I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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