tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Randomize
