I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
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