Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
