Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
