I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
