i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Randomize
