I'll bet she douches with gravy.
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
