she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
Randomize
