if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
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