The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
