I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
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