She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
