I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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