dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Randomize
