i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
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definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
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