My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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