I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
