I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
