I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
