Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
