I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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