If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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