He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Randomize
