I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
