You made me cry and you don't even care
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
