is your mom at the bar?
I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
