Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
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