I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
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woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
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