Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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