Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
areolas are like halos for boobs.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
