I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
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He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
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Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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