I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
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