Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
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