similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
