i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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