Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
