You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
