Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Randomize
