Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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