Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Randomize
