I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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