First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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