You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
