oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Dude I had my dad cock block me once
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