and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
tell me about the eggs
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
