I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Dating After Heartbreak
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
These Images Prove Chrissy Teigen is the Funniest Model Alive
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx