Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
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on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
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Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.