Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
25 Adults Reveal The Most Embarrassing Stories From When They Were Kids
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon