this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
God I need to hump something, right now.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
