This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
