I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
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