happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
