I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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