zippers are such a cool invention
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
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