My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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