I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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